Why Self-Compassion Matters When You Struggle With Anxiety
Anxiety is often accompanied by frustration, shame, and self-criticism, which can add another layer of distress to what we are already experiencing. Self-compassion can help us relate differently to anxiety, making it possible to work towards change without treating ourselves as a problem that needs to be fixed.
When you struggle with anxiety, it can be easy to become frustrated with yourself for feeling anxious in the first place. You may find yourself thinking: Why am I still worrying about this? Why can't I just let it go? Other people seem to cope with these things, so why can't I?
For some people, anxiety is accompanied by a second layer of distress: self-criticism, shame, frustration or a sense that there is something wrong with you for not being able to simply stop feeling anxious. The more you struggle with anxiety, the harsher you may become towards yourself in an attempt to “pull yourself together”.
This can make anxiety even more challenging to deal with. Learning to respond to yourself with greater self-compassion can therefore be an important part of working with anxiety.
If being kind to yourself feels unfamiliar or even uncomfortable, you are not alone. For many people, particularly those who have lived with anxiety or grown up in highly critical or emotionally invalidating environments, self-compassion is something that takes time and practice to develop.
Self-compassion is not about indulging or avoiding anxiety but learning to move through difficult emotions and sensations without fighting yourself for having those experiences. Because fighting your anxiety often causes more anxiety.
Anxiety can easily become something you criticise yourself for
Anxiety often involves a strong desire to feel certain, safe or in control. When you can’t make yourself feel that way, it is understandable to become frustrated. You may try to reason yourself out of your anxiety, tell yourself that you shouldn't be feeling this way, or become angry with yourself for not being able to control your thoughts and feelings.
For some people this stems from how they were met growing up when facing situations that felt overwhelming. You may have learned that your anxiety was an inconvenience (because the adults around you were overwhelmed themselves) or that you can’t handle difficult things (perhaps because the adults around you were controlling or became anxious on your behalf).
Self criticism often creates a vicious cycle. You feel anxious, become critical of yourself for being anxious, and then become even more preoccupied with the anxiety itself which tends to sustain it.
You may start thinking not only “What if something goes wrong?”, but also “What is wrong with me that I can't handle this?” This second layer can be particularly painful. And importantly, it is not helpful in reducing anxiety. It often leads to shame, which tends to undermine both confidence and motivation.
Self-compassion is not the same as reassurance
Self-compassion can sometimes be misunderstood as telling yourself that everything will be okay or just being soft on yourself.
But self-compassion is not about reassuring yourself that the thing you are afraid of will not happen. Nor does it mean avoiding situations that make you anxious or giving yourself permission to remain stuck in patterns that are not serving you.
Instead, self-compassion involves relating to yourself with the same kindness, understanding, and patience that you might offer someone you care about who is struggling. It means turning toward suffering, rather than away from it, with the intention of supporting and alleviating it rather than shaming or resisting it.
People sometimes worry that self-compassion will make them complacent or less motivated to face difficult situations. In reality, the opposite is often true. When we stop attacking ourselves for feeling anxious, we free up energy to do the things that anxiety tells us we cannot do. Self-compassion does not mean giving up on change — it can provide the emotional foundation that makes change possible.
For example, rather than responding to anxiety with “I shouldn't be feeling like this”, you might recognise:
“This is difficult for me right now. It makes sense that I'm feeling anxious because this situation is overwhelming to me. I don't have to solve the feeling immediately.”
The anxiety may still be there. But you are no longer adding another struggle on top of it and you are treating yourself as someone who deserves kindness and who is able to manage something difficult.
What if it feels fake to show myself compassion?
Luckily, you don’t need to believe the kind things you tell yourself in order for it to make a positive difference. You might feel silly, uncomfortable or undeserving of the compassion you’re trying to show yourself, but it’s still more helpful than criticising yourself. Even if it feels awkward or unconvincing at first, responding to yourself with warmth rather than criticism can still influence how your nervous system responds to threat. Compassion can help signal safety to the nervous system, which is particularly important when we feel anxious.
You don't have to get rid of anxiety before you can live your life
A central part of working with anxiety is learning that you do not necessarily need to feel completely safe and calm before you can do the things that matter to you. If you are constantly waiting until you feel confident, certain or comfortable enough, anxiety can gradually start determining what you do and don't do.
This is particularly relevant in approaches such as cognitive behavioural therapy and acceptance-based therapies, where the aim is not simply to eliminate uncomfortable emotions. Instead, you can learn to make room for anxiety while gradually changing the behaviours that keep it going.
Self-compassion can support this process. If you are able to say “I'm feeling anxious, and I still choose to support myself in taking this step” rather than “I shouldn't be anxious, and I need to get rid of this feeling before I can do the thing”, anxiety becomes less of a prerequisite for deciding what you are capable of.
Self-compassion is especially helpful during setbacks
Working with anxiety is rarely a completely linear process. You may manage something well one week and find yourself struggling with it again the next. You may avoid something you had hoped to face, return to an old coping strategy, or find that anxiety becomes stronger during a particularly stressful period in your life.
These moments can easily trigger self-criticism. You may think to yourself “I'm back where I started” or “I should be further along by now.”
But experiencing anxiety again does not mean that you have failed or that everything you have learned has disappeared.
A self-compassionate approach allows you to look at what happened with curiosity rather than judgement. What made that situation difficult for you? What did you need at that moment? What might help you approach the situation differently next time? This makes it much more likely that you will be better able to cope next time.
Self-compassion and anxiety treatment
Self-compassion is not a substitute for working with the patterns that maintain anxiety. Depending on the nature of your difficulties, therapy may involve learning to approach situations you have been avoiding, changing unhelpful thinking patterns, reducing reassurance-seeking or other safety behaviours, or developing a different relationship with uncertainty.
But the way you relate to yourself throughout this process matters. You can work towards change without treating yourself as a problem that needs to be fixed. You can challenge yourself without shaming yourself. And you can take your anxiety seriously without allowing it to define who you are.
For many people, this shift in perspective is an important part of learning to live with greater freedom. Not because anxiety disappears completely, but because it no longer has to determine how you treat yourself or how you live your life.
If you are looking for an English-speaking therapist in Copenhagen, I offer therapy for anxiety, OCD, stress and other mental health challenges.